Seduction in 7 Easy Steps
by Artemis1000
Summary: Skywarp likes Rumble and Rumble likes Skywarp. Obstacles between Warp and getting laid: 1 overprotective creator and 5 devious siblings. Warp’s so doomed… Skywarp/Rumble cracky fun


Disclaimer: Unfortunately, I don't own Transformers.  
Summary: Skywarp likes Rumble and Rumble likes Skywarp. Obstacles between Warp and getting laid: 1 overprotective creator and 5 devious siblings. Warp's so doomed… Skywarp/Rumble cracky fun

This is pure crack, folks, so don't say I didn't warn you :P

Many, many thanks and hugs to Ayngel, my wonderful beta, editor, supplier of awesome lines and ideas! If you like Rumble crack, you'll love her Sweet Vibrations on FFNet!

**Seduction in 7 Easy Steps**

Chapter 1: Cat's play

Skywarp couldn't remember when he'd started wanting Rumble, but slag it, he had it bad for the geek.

He was a tiny little twerp, yes, attached to stick-up-his-whatever-he-had-in-place-of-an-afterburner Soundwave. But Rumble possessed traits Skywarp liked in a mech, and that more than made up for any _short_comings.

He stifled a snicker so as to not give himself away in his not-so-secret hiding place and mentally patted himself on the shoulder for his sterling wit.

Rumble delighted in wanton destruction, the flashier the better, and was amazingly good at it for such a little guy. He never backed down from a fight, no matter how outmatched he was – and often won. His quips were nearly as brilliantly witty as Skywarp's, although the stupid geek still thought his were better. Slaghead! Most importantly, though, Rumble shared his sense of humor.

They'd been competing for the better pranks forever. Rumble and Frenzy against Skywarp and occasionally his trine mates, recruited as somewhat less-than-willing accomplices. Nerdy slaggers had no appreciation for proper performance art! But when Frenzy was sent back to Cybertron to help Shockwave find his own skid plate, the Seeker and the cassette had brokered a temporary truce and teamed up.

Aah, how refreshing it was to work with a fellow connoisseur!

Skywarp preened at the fancy big word he'd used, thinking: "Hah! Take that, TC and Screamer!"

Not that he needed the help, of course. But as resident pranksters of the Nemesis, they had a duty to provide their fellow Decepticons with the very best pranks they could produce.

The new partnership had turned out to be a most lucky maneuver. A bit like managing to pull up just an astrosecond before you're about to crash nosecone first into a skyscraper, and laughing your aft off as the guy chasing you crashes and burns.

They'd spread fear and awe among the Decepticons and repeatedly had to flee from lynch mobs - although that was a different story.

The pranks were numerous in variety and ingenuity. Like - pink and puce stripes did wonders for Screamer's trim waistline. Breakdown refused to leave his quarters for weeks after they'd slipped him a bookfile of George Orwell's _1984_. Who'd have thought squishy babble could be so useful? All these premium-brand stroke of genius pranks required plenty of careful planning, however.

At first, their meetings had been confined to discussing pranks. They were first and foremost pranking rivals, after all, and Rumble _was_ a pathetic little twerp. But then one day, Skywarp had brought some high-grade liberated from Screamer's not-so-secret stash and they'd gotten properly overcharged, running around the Nemesis and singing bawdy drinking songs. In that state, Skywarp had propositioned Shrapnel, but then Rumble had gone one step better: he'd propositioned Megatron! And that bold act had changed things forever and become a treasured memory, making Skywarp endure all the cassette's less than adorable traits with a smile on his lip plates and a song in his CPU.

There was a kinship between them. Rumble laughed at his jokes. Skywarp laughed at Rumble's stories about his siblings' mishaps. They came up with the most ridiculous plans for Screamer to dispose of Megatron. Most of them involving slugs.

When Frenzy returned, they realized that planning their pranks had become merely a convenient excuse to spend time together. And then Skywarp nearly crashed into a mountain during one lazy patrol when he caught himself fantasizing about pinning Rumble to a wall and 'facing him until that cheeky vocalizer of his couldn't do anything but moan and beg for more.

A lesser mech would have faltered and dithered. A lesser mech would've given it a second thought before he acted. Then he might have realized that getting Rumble into his berth meant getting a whole family of overprotective brothers plus Daddy Dearest directly into his life. But Skywarp never bothered with technicalities in life. Once he realized he wanted Rumble in his berth, he pursued him with all the single-minded stubbornness he possessed.

To Skywarp's delight, Rumble didn't mind being pursued at all! If only Skywarp had known that his problems had only just begun…

Something moved, and out of the corner of his optic, Skywarp caught sight of a slinking cat-shaped shadow.

With a startled squeak, he warped away.

***

"Hey, guess what? I'm so going to score tonight, Cracker!" Skywarp crowed with a broad shit-eating grin on his mouth components as soon as he'd warped into Thundercracker's quarters.

Thundercracker looked up from the report he was reading and shook his head in amusement. "Spare me, Warp! There are things I don't want to know. And how often did I tell you to stop calling me Cracker?"

"Aw, come on, _Thundy_, you're just jealous!"

"Yes", TC said drolly, "I don't know how I overlooked the irresistible charms of Soundwave's most idiotic cassette."

"Hey!" Warp said indignantly, flaring out his wings in bravado. "That's my lover you're talking about!"

TC shook his head again, still grinning. "Don't bother, Warp, he can't hear you!" He narrowed his optics. "Now - tell me - what do you _really_ want?"

Skywarp shifted uneasily on his pedes. "Eh… well… now that you mention it…"

"Warp!" TC eyed his friend knowingly, his red optics suddenly serious. "What the slag did you do?" He sighed. "Who do I have to keep from killing you _this _time?"

Skywarp chuckled awkwardly. "Actually - its a funny story…"

TC just kept staring at him and waited, exuding that '_I'm not angry, I'm disappointed'_ air he mastered so well.

"Ravage…" said Skywarp.

"I see", TC said in an ominous tone. Then the slagger had the cheek to grin again.

It wasn't fair, Skywarp decided. He would never mock his best friend like this if their roles were reversed. Well, okay, yes, he would. But that was completely different! "It's not funny!" he protested. "I have a date with Rumble and I just know that I'll get to 'face him! But Ravage has been stalking me for days. You gotta help me, TC," he whined, gazing at his wingmate with pleading cyberpuppy optics. "You're my only hope!"

"Hm… let me think about it…" TC's smirk turned downright predatory. He actually looked like a real 'Con for once, Skywarp thought sourly. "Errr – No!"

"TC!"

TC shrugged. "Grab Rumble and warp to some place Ravage can't follow! Somewhere _out there,_" he suggested with a dismissive flick of his wings.

Disgust welled up in Skywarp at the picture his processor came up with. Mud in his thrusters… foliage in his vents … "Yuck!" He voiced it with a melodramatic shudder and grimace. "I don't want to 'face on organic _stuff_!"

Thundercracker flicked his wings again. "I'm not going to help you make an enemy of Soundwave and his Cassetticons."

Skywarp hung his head and wings in defeat. He should've expected as much, TC had never approved of his friendship with Rumble. He sighed dispiritedly. "Fine", Warp groaned, "stand by as I walk right into catbreath's gaping jaws! I hope you feel sorry when my mangled offlined frame is returned to you, you sparkless slagger!"

He stalked out of the room, an indignant bundle of wings and injured Seeker pride.

***

Taking a sip from his cube, Skywarp gloated over his secret stash of high-grade, hidden in an abandoned storeroom. Not the most creative hiding place in the Universe, but the simple things often worked best in a ship full of mechs with convoluted minds. Hiding it in his quarters would be a waste of time. Starscream had no shame.

Not even half a breem later, Skywarp had just started to cover up his hidey hole, when he heard the whoosh of the door. Fans stuttering for a moment, he whirled around to peer over the crates. There was nobody there.

Clink. Clink. Clink.

Gentle footsteps, almost inaudible, reached Skywarp's audials. They were too soft to belong to a mech. Of course, there was no surprise there. Only one being could move that quietly on the Nemesis, although that didn't seem right either, as Ravage usually wasn't heard at all. Unless, Skywarp remembered unhappily, she wanted to be heard.

Skywarp suddenly recalled what Rumble had told him about earth cats toying with their prey before they killed and ate them. It was not a good thought.

Great! He groaned inwardly. As if Ravage hadn't been creepy enough already…

From somewhere at the far end of the large storeroom, a low growl sounded.

Skywarp pressed his wings tightly against his back and told himself firmly that Ravage wouldn't really eat him. After all, the robot cat didn't really _eat_ metal. She just tore off chunks, chewed a little and spat it out. Bad thought, bad thought! He shook his head rapidly as if to shake the horrible idea out of his processor.

Suddenly, shame at his cowardliness bubbled up in Skywarp. Wait! Wait a slagging moment! Why was he scared of pathetic little catbreath? Oh, all right, stupid question. Everyone on the Nemesis was almost as scared of Ravage as they were of Soundwave, and Soundwave himself was more frightened of the cat than of the wrath of Megatron himself. But hey – he was Skywarp! He never got scared and never backed down. And if he really, really had to, he could warp away. Not that he'd run from a ruddy cat, of course.

He hastily moved the crates back on top of his hideyhole - not that it was safe any more, now that the slagging Cassetticons knew about it - and stepped into the middle of the storeroom. "Hey!" he yelled. "Come out, Kitty! Come out and face me like a mech, you great rusty bag of bolts!"

There came the sound of soft metal paws padding on metal flooring, followed by the lazy swish of a tail. Burning red optics glowed in the dim illumination of the storeroom. Ravage yawned leisurely - a very toothy yawn – Skywarp noted uncomfortably. The tail swished like a yoyo.

Skywarp's wings flared out to their full impressive wingspan and he struck a pose which - humble mech even though he was – looked, in his opinion, stunningly fearless and martial. Why, he wondered regrettably, was Reflector only around to snap pictures of your worst moments? "What do you want from me, pussycat?" he snarled. "How about a knuckle sandwich with an extra portion of whoop-ass, huh?"

Ravage growled and came as close to bristling as a Cybertronian feline with smooth armor plates instead of fur can do. "I want you to stay away from Rumble, Seeker!" she growled back, her voice low and dangerous.

Skywarp balled his servos into angry fists. Rumble's siblings had never approved of their friendship, along with his own trine. He straightened his shoulders. He'd be slagged if he let any of them mess this up! It was well known that he had never understood the concept of 'quit when you're ahead' and today, he decided to prove himself especially true to form. "Or what, pussy? You'll run home crying and tell daddy I'm about to pop your brother's cherry?" he sneered.

Ravage seemed to consider that for a moment. "No!" She said smoothly, "I will ensure that you can never interface again…." She paused, smiling wickedly. "_Then_ I will run to daddy."

Skywarp was known for being stupid, but he sure as the Pit wasn't slow. A Seeker who was slow on the uptake didn't survive long enough for it to become a problem. So it took his CPU only a fraction of an astrosecond to deduce just what Ravage meant and another astrosecond to cover his interface panel protectively with his servos. Two astroseconds later, a sizable percentage of Skywarp's processor had been tasked with planning a strategy to escape Ravage's teeth. He glared at Soundwave's beast. "Keep your slagging maw away from my premium parts, glitch!" he snapped.

Ravage just grinned toothily.

Skywarp ignored the unsettling display as well as he could. "Now look, pussycat, this is how it'll go. You slink home like a good little kitty, I meet Rumble and we forget this ever happened."

As though bored, Ravage sat on her haunches and pretended to lick her paws like an earth feline. Shooting her a superior smirk, Skywarp stalked off with a cocky swagger.

_Hah__a,_ he thought gleefully, _pussycat got cut down to size!_

***

Skywarp's door buzzer rang.

He looked himself over critically and deemed his wax job spectacular. It ought to be! He'd spent the last quarter joor working his paintwork up to a luscious high shine and nearly lost an arm in the process. The hard-to-reach spots were truly hard to reach on a Seeker frame, and TC – the lousy fragger - had just sat there laughing at his plight.

The scene was set! The high-grade was on the table, the video games in easy reach. Best of all about Rumble, one didn't have to do anything else. Skywarp hadn't even felt compelled to put away the pile of junk under his berth. Rumble thought piles of junk were awesome, since Soundwave refused to let the twins litter up their own quarters.

"Heya Skywarp!" Rumble chirped, looking up at him with a wicked smile on his lip plates. "You look awfully shiny; did ya fly into a vat of oil?"

Skywarp preened. He'd noticed! "No, but I will if you lick it off", he cooed in his smoothest and most seductive voice.

Rumble cocked his head and snickered. There was just a tad of bashfulness to his grin as he retorted cheekily, "that depends on the oil!"

Desire shot through Skywarp's fuselage, electrifying him to the very tips of his wings. His servos itched to grab the blue cassette and drag him straight to his berth.

A derisive snort sounded.

Skywarp froze and the heat dispersed as quickly as it'd appeared. "Ravage?" he asked, though he really didn't want to know the answer.

Rumble laughed sheepishly. "Er - yeah – " he said slowly. "See - Warps - Soundwave's pissed for that prank Frenzy and I pulled on him and then Ravage was gone all day. When we found her earlier tonight, she was tearing up the Nemesis and ranting about how she smelled petromice. Someone must've thought it funny to feed her bad oil - which it is, it's _slagging hilarious_ – except when I have to babysit her! But there was no getting out of it - the boss said I have to keep an eye on Ravage until she's back to normal and it's either take her to your place or you to my place."

Ravage slunk into view then, the very picture of contrite Cassetticon. She still had some purple paint around her maw. She came to a halt right next to Rumble's left leg and rubbed her head against it with a small miaow.

Skywarp narrowed his optics at the robot feline and shot her his best death glare, which was unfortunately completely useless as Skywarp's optics were incapable of emanating death rays. Why the fragging slag hadn't his optics been upgraded with death rays?

Rumble patted his sister soothingly on the head. "Poor Rav lost a couple of teeth to the wall plating on deck five. Looks like the 'structies experimented with reinforced alloys. She's awfully embarrassed…" He looked up with a sweet hopeful 'please don't be mad' gleam to his visor. "She won't give us any trouble! He assured Skywarp. "She promised we won't even know she's there."

_Slagging devious feline!_ Even as he boiled with anger, Skywarp was grudgingly impressed. He'd underestimated the lengths the glitching beast would go to just to make him miserable. What a thorough job she'd done, too! Skywarp groaned inwardly. Rumble was oil cake in the hands of his siblings. If he kicked Ravage out, Rumble would literally hold a grudge for orns.

"The cat better be housebroken!" He growled, grudgingly stepping aside.

Ravage's waving tail slapped against his leg with a metallic clink as she passed by him. The feline actually had the cheek to raise her head and _smirk._ She smirked! At him! In his own quarters! Oh, how badly Skywarp wanted to use that smugly waving tail for target practice!

Out of the corner of his optics, Skywarp slyly checked on Rumble. He'd made a beeline for the video games. Good! With a phoney smile, Skywarp crouched down and made a show of petting the cat's head. "You're dead, pussycat!" he hissed.

Ravage licked his hand, her tongue unnecessarily rough. "Score 1 to Ravage!" she hissed back.

Skywarp's just-licked hand twitched. Oh, it would be so easy! Aim, fire … Surely Rumble wouldn't notice! Just a hole or two. Some little teeny-weeny ones, maybe…

"Cool! You have Kung-Fu Master!"

Skywarp shot into a standing position as though burned and smiled innocently at Rumble. "Yeah!" he said. "I have! Got it just for you!" From the corner of his optic, he eyed Ravage. A little kick couldn't hurt, could it His optics went back to Rumble. The little blue mech looked absolutely delicious, sprawled in front of the TV as he was, with his pedes swinging in the air and his aft wriggling as he squirmed into a comfortable position. A shudder went through his frame.

"Warps, come soon! I wanna whup your aft!"

Skywarp had warped his aft off transporting contraband for Swindle to get that game, and seeing Rumble's happy face made him overjoyed that he'd done it. Human games had nothing on their Cybertronian counterpart, but there'd been no new ones produced since the war began. After hundreds thousands of vorns of playing the same games, even inferior human technology was appealing.

"Cool your afterburners, you big sparkling. It's just a stupid squishy game", Skywarp scoffed as he sprawled next to Rumble. He bumped the smaller bot with his wing hard enough to flip him onto his back. "In a real battle, I'd turn you into tape jam!"

"Watch it, slagger!" Rumble grabbed the edge of Skywarp's wing with battle-honed reflexes and pinched it tightly. He even went so far as to bend the sensitive metal ever so slightly.

Skywarp leapt up into a sitting position with a loud yowl. "Let go of my wing, you psycho gli…"

Rumble promptly jerked at Skywarp's wing.

The sudden tug caught the seeker completely by surprise. Physics did the rest. A startled squawk, and he found himself sprawled all over the cassette, his protests dying abruptly in his vocalizer. His cockpit pressed tantalizingly against Rumble's chest, the sudden realization that that he'd pinned Rumble to the floor with nearly his whole weight sending a thrill of electricity through his whole frame. His left servo stroked Rumble's hip and searched lazily for a sensitive seam to tease.

Pouty blue lip plates shaped into a smirk and he raised his head to cross the small distance. "In a real battle", Rumble whispered against Skywarp's mouth, "I'd shake ya up so bad you'd be gathering your gears up for a week, winglet."

It took Skywarp's lusty CPU a moment to work out what he was talking about. He laughed. "It's not your piledrivers I want you to drill me with you moron!", he retorted. Then he captured Rumble's mouth in a hungry kiss before he could speak again.

Grabbing at him, Rumble kissed back with the same passion and arched his frame to press himself even closer to Skywarp.

But just then, the com pinged. Distracted as he was, Skywarp answered it without thinking. All he got was a long-drawn warning snarl.

Grimacing in frustration, Skywarp froze. He snapped his head around, optics searching for the feline.

They paused on a feline form, reclined majestically, in the centre of his berth. The Cassetticon lowered her head on her paws, her unblinking red optics firmly fixed on the would be lovers.

A tingle ran down Skywarp's struts and it wasn't of the lustful kind at all.

"What's up, Warps? Scaaared?" Rumble goaded.

Skywarp scowled at him. "Your fragging sister is glaring at us!"

Rumble peeked at Ravage and clicked his tongue dismissively. "Don't be such a stupid slagger, slagger! She's deep in recharge!" he said.

Skywarp looked again and, indeed, Ravage's optics were offline. He had to hand it to her. If he hadn't known better, he would have bought the act. The seeker glowered at the feline. What a malicious glitch! Determinedly, he turned back to Rumble and captured the smaller mech's mouth in an angry kiss. Rumble pushed at his shoulders and revved his engine angrily. Skywarp backed off a bit and scowled at him. "What?!"

"I'm not in the mood any longer, afthole, that's what!"

Skywarp pulled back, staring incredulously at him. "Not in the … _what?"_ He could not believe it. "What are you, a fraggin' Autobot?!" he bawled at the cassette.

Rumble roughly pushed Skywarp off him all the way and smirked smugly as the flier landed on his back with a pained wince, having landed on his left wing the wrong way. "Call me an Autobot again and I'll rip off your wings and fold them into slagging origami, you fragging oversized robot chicken!"

Skywarp sat up and rubbed his hurt wing even as he mentally nursed his injured pride and resigned himself to the fact that the opportunity had been well and thoroughly lost. The worst thing was that Ravage had watched his embarrassment! And, doubtless, she'd recorded it for the other Cassetticons, too! "That kitty is _so dead_", he muttered ominously and shot Ravage the dirtiest glare he could muster.

Rumble's sweet little engine revved again and - _damn it_ - did every circuit in Skywarp burn with lust for it.

Rumble looked at him distastefully. "Oh stop blaming my sister for you being a failure at seduction!" he scoffed.

Skywarp grabbed the game control panels with angry, jerky movements and threw one at Rumble. "Shut up and play, glitch!" he groused.

Ravage's engine purred gleefully.

To be continued…


End file.
